Don’t leave home without a good left hook…

My niece is going to college today. She is a freshman at Virginia Tech. I remember the day she was born. She is fantastic…smart, fabulous, fun. And I want her to stay that way.  I had an interesting chat with my friend Andrea Erard, an attorney who practices in the area of child protection in Richmond, Virginia, whose own daughter is also going away to school. Andrea had a couple of suggestions, and I thought of some of my own, and sent them to my niece. I’ve decided to share them with everyone else as well, in the hope that they will help keep our young women as safe as possible.

The woman who was sexually assaulted by Brock Turner wrote in her statement that she was the “wounded antelope in the herd.” This list is designed to help keep everyone in the herd healthy. There will always be predators. All we can do is make it more difficult for them to succeed.

Below is my note, with very little editing. Missing from it, as I had already discussed it with her mother, is Andrea’s first suggestion: TAKE A SELF-DEFENSE CLASS. Of all the things I have done to take care of myself, that was the most empowering. If only I had taken it when I was seventeen.

Hey you…

I want to mention a few things to you regarding your safety in college. You might already know these things, but they are important.

Everyone usually has a night when they drink too much when they go away to school. So. It is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you have at least one friend with you when you go out, and that you have an iron-clad, non-negotiable agreement to never leave the other alone at a party. It may be as inconvenient as all hell to be around someone for two hours longer than you want, especially if they get drunk and stupid. But it could save their life.  And vice versa.

Also I’m sure you know this but never ever leave your drink, even going to the bathroom, unattended. Unattended means your eyes, no one else’s, on it at all times. Always get a new drink if you lose sight of it. Sadly there are predators in this world and some of these predators come armed to parties with the intention of knocking you out. It takes a split second to drug your drink.

Also. TRUST YOUR GUT. The second you get a bad vibe anywhere, and I mean anywhere, remove yourself from the situation. One of the most important things about having a friend with you at all times at parties is you never have to rely on someone you don’t know for help.

And, before you leave for a party, text a friend a photo of what you are wearing. Let them know where you will be.

Never, ever, be afraid of hurting someone who is about to hurt you. Aim for the throat or crotch.

Also, don’t ever worry about hurting a guy’s feelings or being called a bitch. The most important thing is your safety, always. Women historically have been taught that they have to be nice no matter what the cost. This is misogynistic bullshit.

Tech is a big school. There will be some crazies there. Simple math.

From personal experience…just don’t do shots. The best outcome you’ll have from doing shots is a crippling hangover and vomit all over your shoes.

I love you dearly. xo



A leaked email from Donald to the GOP leaders

Look. I get things done. That’s what I do. It really is pissing me off I have to take the time out of my busy, busy day to set you guys straight. You need to fall in line behind me. That’s it. I’m giving you the opportunity to have everything you have ever wanted from a President, and you’re acting all butt hurt every time I tell the truth. Stop it. America has spoken. They like what I have to say and we’re going to give it to them. They want America to be great again. So be great. Man up. Like me.

Enough with the politically correct. We’re done. I thought I was clear. Political correctness is over. It’s lame. We aren’t doing it. And really, who cares about minorities? They’re minorities! We win the election with the majority, not the minority. Minorities don’t matter. Do the math.  We’re the majority. This country, which is great, was founded by great white men like me. Movers and shakers. Guys who loved the game. And I run the biggest game in town. I run AC. I run Vegas. I run New York. Come January I run DC. I run the world. I am the game, the game is me, and we’re playing it my way from now on.

So stop it. Every woman who gets their panties in a bunch over something I say is not going to ruin the election for us. Everybody knows that women are great. But they raise children or they’re hot. That’s a woman’s value. Let’s cut the crap. No one is going to listen to any woman who is not hot. Stupid Hilary is not hot. Which is great for us. Fantastic. Most people in this country automatically will disqualify anything she says because she’s not hot.

Black people are ok if they shut up about being black. I know they’re black, ok? Again, irrelevant.  Some black guy who gets pissed off at me is not going to ruin the election. Actually it’s great. When you hear a black guy be angry, everyone who counts knows he’s a thug. That’s actually a win win for us. The more angry black guys, the better I’ll do in the polls. Guarantee you.

Speaking of angry black guys, that smartass in the Oval Office makes me sick. Am I not saying what all of you have been saying for the past 8 years? What an arrogant prick. Anyway. His time is over. The one thing you guys have done right is block his Supreme Court nomination. Way to go. Fuck him.

These LGBT people, or whatever letters they are. Not bad people.  I love lesbians. Gays are good interior decorators. I had a great one do my apartment. Otherwise yawn. They’re really not that many of them. Not a problem.

Don’t even get me started on these Muslims. I can’t believe you guys didn’t have my back with that tool at the DNC. This really, really upsets me. His son…and please. Let’s be real. That bitch found the one Muslim soldier hero in the whole country. There can’t be many of them. Anyway, his son dies in Iraq 12 years ago and he tears me apart. And instead of you guys backing me up, and telling people I have read the Constitution, everyone is all over me. The wife was just standing there. How am I supposed to know she can talk? We have all agreed, right? We have agreed these Muslims are the problem. That’s how we win the election. If you act all sensitive to Muslims, how are we supposed to get anything accomplished? This is not brain surgery. Everyone knows Muslims are disgusting, vile people. We don’t need them here. My point is this. Stay on point.  Muslims are bad. Simple. Other than Saudis they can just go blow themselves up in the desert. We need the Saudis. Except for that idiot Prince Whathisname who was mouthing off to me the other day. We need their oil. Fine. But we don’t need to be nice to most of them. So stop it. Who cares? Americans don’t want us to be nice to Muslims! Listen to Americans. Do your job.

Speaking of jobs. Quit worrying about offending the Mexicans. Alright? Again. Nobody cares. I know Mexicans, believe me. Disgusting. You forget how many of these people I’ve got working for me. Newsflash. They can’t vote anyway. This is a non-issue. We are going to build that wall. I’m not kidding about that. Then we’re going to hire real Americans to patrol the wall with big guns.  It’ll be great. People will love it. Between the wall and the patrolling we’ll create all these new jobs. It’s going to be beautiful.

One last thing. This Putin stuff. Putin is a very smart man. He knows how to get things done. He takes care of haters. And I’m going to take care of haters. I’m writing an executive order to make hating a crime as soon as I’m in office. The Presidency needs to be respected. Somebody needs to get on this issue. Make it a part of the Patriot Act. Do it.

All you guys have to do is back me up. Again. Just do your job. I am your wet dream. I am everything you have ever wanted. But you need to fall in line. I don’t like it when people make me look bad. It’s unprofessional. Anyone who doesn’t fall in line now is going to find themselves kicked straight out of DC this January. I guarantee you. Quit apologizing for who you are. We’re great.